As normally happens around the time of my Birthday, with the Sun passing through the 12th House of Endings, I find myself ‘going underground’ to review. With 5 planets currently in seeming backwards motion from our Earth vantage point, I have been visiting the subject of finetuning the cultivation of Presence, and therefore also, the subject of Surrender.
I have been reviewing the creations of the last few months and the last year, along with the decisions and experiences of my life up to this point. And, I have been reviewing my life as I have experienced and lived it against the backdrop of my understanding of the Infinite and my life-long desire to be free of all barriers to Truth, as I uniquely comprehend it.
“Your task is not to seek for Love but to find all the barriers that you have built within yourself against Love.” - Rumi
I write with the greatest certainty when I state that Rumi’s words have long been the reason for all in this incarnation. They have been the impetus for where the journey has taken me, and the overriding thoughts and desires that framed my decisions around Self-Actualisation and being free, and for embarking on the Quest to begin with.
Critically, the mirror of Rumi’s words has strengthened and allowed me to understand the countless times Source has brutally pulled the rug out from under of what I thought ‘I’ wanted, what I thought was ‘right’, what I thought was ‘true’. Source has repeatedly set me up (with my prior-life agreement) to fall on my face in order to wake me up to a previously unknown Truth, to create space for Truth emerging, and to keep me anchored on my Path as I understood it and the all-encompassing choice to obliterate all internal barriers to Source (and with it, all accepted notions of ‘getting ahead’ according to the world’s terms). It has given permission to Source to needle into the traumas I forged in the distant past, and / or that I contracted into for these times as necessary distortions that would deepen wisdom and /or free up energy trapped in the frozen tundra of fear, or the inferno of self-abnegation and judgment.
I began the Journey, like so many others, with the desire to know the Truth. At the time I did not know what this meant, nor did I know the sacrifice of the self it would entail, although I know I ‘wanted’ to lose myself nonetheless and ‘Go Home’.
One begins the Journey, one voices the desire already written and decided upon………deeply ignorant of the required losses that will come. The necessary losses centred upon the ultimate loss – the gatekeeper-grip of the ego in all its fear-based, separating, myriad forms upon the Eternal Limitless Self.
I scan for where the egoic grip strangles me still, and I was scanning for this again last week on the heels of a result I was working hard to materialise for all the ‘right reasons’ (whilst knowing simultaneously I was headed for a ‘Cosmic Slap’ from the Source). I was working for this result which was ‘touch and go’ with me at best, but I knew I had to play it out in order to retrieve something long lost….
Long and short, following the rug being pulled out, the barrage of self-recrimination , paralysing fear and cruel judgment flooded into my waking consciousness, as it always does, in order to effect the necessary Consciousness Shift.
This serves a couple of functions simultaneously: the ‘temptation’ to ‘cave in’ to the old script and believe in my failure and unworthiness if I am not secure enough in Process, Source and in my Self – and therefore, the ‘test of mastery’ that accompanies a breakdown – and /or the stillness-capacity to just let it pass through, purge, obliterate and reconfigure me at core existence levels, knowing that the Illimitable Truth is, knowing that following death there is always rebirth and resurrection.
After 48 hours of its passing through my energy fields, I moved next to the active surrender of this particular barrier of resistance, sourced as it is in separation-Consciousness and the abject fear of Annihilation, but being asked to Trust……For I had landed (again) upon the threshold of Trust, recognising (hoping) that what was being annihilated was ‘only’ another layer of the false egoic self, that the fear was not real, and simultaneously undergoing the collapse, annihilation and loss of form, control, structure, meaning, purpose and a further fragmentation of self – all necessary corollaries on the road to integration and reconfiguration at other levels of consciousness……..as demanded by these times.
Active surrender took the form of surrender of every ambition, sense of purpose, of identity, of scripting, of self-importance, grasping, greed, desire, regret, guilt, blame, anger, judgment, attachement, resistance, fear. I asked that all these be obliterated so that I could be free of these obstructions and barriers, no matter how ‘good’ and ‘honourable’ they seemed. Expecially all the parts of the ‘purpose’ that seemed ‘good’ and ‘honourable’ for these parts are often the hiding places of ego.
Then, Silence. The calm after the storm of the ego’s thrashing, like a giant fish caught in a net…. except that it’s just a little fish, isn’t it? Such a little fish to which we have attached great and destructive personality and sway.
Silence and huge amounts of space…. and the knowing that everything would always be ‘all right’, as it always has been ……..except for the thrashing, manipulation and deal-making undertaken by the ego (and our lifeforces with it) in the temporal world we call ‘life’.
In that space, I have not wanted to enter with a barrage of questions around “What next?’, “Where to from here?” “What can I do /be to fill the empty space?” Always the questions involve my perceived Service Contract…..the sense of the Purpose that I have clung to as a way to understand and order my life, and give it (and myself) meaning.
In the space there was such Light, such Breath, such Space. Everything was illumined and the Purpose is Being. That is enough.
I remember a Seminar I participated in in late 1989….. We had to work out the name of our alter ego – the part of us that controlled our behaviours in the day to day to ‘get ahead’, ‘be approved of’, etc. I remember that I struggled to find a name for the Nothing and the Nobody I felt. The nothingness that was a dark, painful secret within, that I was always hiding from lest people figure out how worthless I truly was. That I was nothing. Nothing at all. And what’s more, that I was seeking to control this nothing. The name I subsequently came up with was Controlling Nobody.
And that is like the most sublime cosmic joke…I recognised much, much later………..The nothingness was true. The nothingness was true, for we are all empty, all nothing – and all Form is Illusion, the Dreams that we the Dreamers have dreamt up. And it was the ego self that somehow imagined this to be ‘wrong’, ‘bad’, and ‘unworthy’ for fear of its own eventual dissolution and demise – and its insane imagining that it could possibly ‘control’ the vastness of the Infinite Emptiness that is the Fullness simultaneously, or the return of the Wave to the Sea.
The controlling was a way to stave off the inevitable: the death of the self.
It was already written……..and the markers were all always there.
At the close now of the old Evolutionary Agenda, and the collapsing, dying and transfiguration of form worldwide as the means by which we enter into Universal Consciousness and the fulfilment of Prophecy, I bring to mind the words of Dr Christopher Bache, Professor of Philosophy and Religious Studies at Youngstown State University in Ohio. In his book, entitled Dark Night, Early Dawn, and following his experiences with holotropic breathing, as developed by Dr Stanislav Grof, he wrote the following:
“… the most poignant aspect of today’s session was not the discovered dimensions of the universe themselves but what my seeing and understanding them meant to the Consciousness I was with. It seemed so pleased to have someone to show Its work to. I felt that it had been waiting for billions of years for embodied consciousness to evolve to the point where we could at long last begin to see, understand and appreciate what had been accomplished. I felt the loneliness of this Intelligence having created such a masterpiece and having no one to appreciate Its work, and I wept. I wept for its isolation and in awe of the profound love which had accepted this isolation as part of a larger plan. Behind creation lies a Love of extraordinary proportions, and all of existence is an expression of this love. The intelligence of the universe’s design is equally matched by the depth of love that inspired it.”
I recognise that our Journeys involve deep, deep surrender of Form at this time, to make space for the Illumined Self and the Illuminated Life as Love. It is time to recognise Who and What we Have Always Been – and progress, thus, to the New Earth.
So, from here, I don’t know. I have been saying of late I simply wish to close the Diamond Consciousness doors and work in a flower shop, and to paint on large, large canvasses the ineffability of Consciousness. How or when this would happen, I do not know. I am waiting. I am steeling myself not to force an outcome though the mind thrashes if I choose to allow it.
What I know is that I am profoundly tired now. A Soul kind of tired. The kind of tired that comes at the very end of one’s Journey, before the dawn breaks, or Spring comes. A beautiful, beautiful emptiness and pregnancy at the same time.
I don’t wish to say what anything might or could be, lest I interfere by labelling. I do not want my mind to identify and lay claim to ‘the next big thing’ and clothe itself with that thing….only to have to discard it later.
I will sit in this nothingness. I will sit present in my own transfiguration and in the cascading death of forms.
I have written this to simply share and perhaps these words are the journeys of some of you also. Please feel free in the ‘Comments’ section below your own thoughts…..
I am tired…. and this is good. My powerful mind will not have the opportunity to make real anything that is false for me – for we can make anything real and imbue it with lifeforce and meaning. This is good for me., and I am grateful. I choose to embrace this inner collapse and enter more deeply into the nothingness, Heart wide open….and wait.
“All exists effortlessly in its own place, and everything is sequenced in synchronicity. The miraculous is continuous. The details of life mysteriously accommodate themselves spontaneously.” – Eye of the I From Which Nothing is Hidden” – Dr David Hawkins
To the ‘next big thing’, and the necessary surrender and death of ego on the road to Universal Consciousness and Peace,